How did we get here?
My name is Nancy Tompkins. I have been married to my husband for about a year and a half. Barely long enough to have a journey to a baby, right? Wrong. We have experienced more heartbreak in the last year than some experience through their entire fertility journey. Now, everyone’s story is different and completely their own. This is not to say I’ve experienced more grief than anyone else. This is just that, our story.
When we got married we decided we would like to take a year for ourselves and start trying after our first anniversary. Well, come September, I though, hmm what if I have problems getting pregnant, I may want to have that two extra months of trying. Every month that went by our niece and nephew were getting older. I loved playing with my cousins growing up and that was a dream for my kids to be able to play with cousins. So, I stopped by birth control, bought an Ava bracelet, and two different brands of OPK strips. I was invested! Now I had been on Lo Loestrin Fe for a couple of years and had not had AF at all. I never thought I would be ready to see AF so I could officially track my first cycle.
After five weeks, hallelujah, it started. I wore my bracelet religiously and tracked my fertile window. At the end of November, I decided to take an HCG test. Oh my word, I saw the squintiest squinter I ever saw! I kept it to myself for a day or so and then I told my husband. We were so excited. Now one advantage/disadvantage I have is I’m a nurse practitioner. So as soon as I went back to work that Tuesday I got my quant checked and it was 20. Hmm…pretty low. But I knew I was probably very early. Then I went to the bathroom and I had some blood when I wiped. I had no idea what this meant. Luckily that night I had an inservice with my OB NP. I told her the news and she told me it was probably implantation and to get my quant checked in 48 hours and let her know. When it got up to 1500-2000 she would sneak me in for an u/s. Eeek!
Well the next day, I woke up and I had even more bleeding, like AF. And cramping. I texted the OB and she didn’t sound hopeful. She had me go ahead and check my quant early and get an Rh and ABO in case I needed a Rhogam injection. But to my surprise, I my quant was 39. Ok, still low but on track… So I started on Crinone (progesterone suppositories). A couple of days later, the bleeding stopped. I continued to get quants checked and they slowly climbed. At one point they stopped doubling. I thought for sure I had an ectopic pregnancy. They finally got high enough I could have seen something on the u/s, so me and my husband went in and to our surprise there was a gestational sac in the uterus. Holy moly! Maybe this was for real! I was told to come back in two weeks to have my ultrasound rechecked and was told we would probably be able to hear the heartbeat.
Two weeks later, me and my husband go into the ultrasound all giddy to be able to see the baby and heartbeat, but the ultrasound tech was very quiet the whole time. When she turned on the color flow to be able to see the heartbeat, there was no movement. I suddenly came to the realization things were not looking good. That was only confirmed a few moments later when we were given the news the baby did not grow very much and there was no heartbeat. I should have been 8-9 weeks and was only measuring 6. At that point, we were told we would need a D&C. So the next day that’s what happened.
I was devastated, but was anxious to go ahead and get started trying again. My OB told me to wait until my first normal cycle to start trying. So in February of this year, I started tracking and temping. I thought, ok, I got pregnant within two cycles so this shouldn’t be that hard. Six months later, still not positive test. My OB texted me (thank goodness we are friends) and asked if I would like a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. We both thought it was probably just being overly cautious, but it couldn’t hurt. She told me I needed to get labs and an HSG prior to the appt. I did the labs on day 21 and everything was normal. I also had an HSG that cycle as well. Honestly not bad compared to the horror stories I had heard. My tubes were clear. I also have a mildly bicornate uterus which I have known for a while. My husband did the Yo home sperm analysis kit and everything was normal. I was waiting on my day 3 labs when suddenly what I thought was AF stopped. I decided to check a pregnancy test before I went on vacation and low and behold it was positive. I was so excited because I knew this time would be it.
I went for an ultrasound after I got back and there was nothing to see, my anxiety started rising. But, the u/s tech was so sweet and told me everything looked good and promising for a pregnancy, and completely normal for how early I was. Two weeks later, I went back for another one and there was a heart beat! I was measuring 6w3d, HR 113. Oh my goodness I was already in love! But, the very next day, I started spotting. I thought, ok, its fine…I’m not having any pain. When I left work that night I had a couple of huge gushes of blood (sorry, TMI!). So the next day I sent my OB a message. I honestly could not stand the anxiety and I went next door to where I work and had an u/s. Luckily everything looked great! But no reason as to why I was bleeding. My OB texted me and asked if I could come by the next day for another u/s. When I went, their tech was able to see a 1cm subchorionic hematoma that was the source for the bleeding. We were all so relieved! I had a reason for the bleeding. I was put on pelvic rest and I followed it to a T! The next night though, I woke up in the middle of the night with more gushes and cramping. I thought, ok maybe that’s just the hematoma. I was supposed to go back for another u/s in a couple of days. I went about my business, still bleeding, but thought its just the SCH, its fine. When I went to the u/s I had a different tech than usual. She also had a med student shadowing which was kind of weird for me…especially when I realized this u/s did not look like the others. I couldn’t see any baby or gestational sac from the start. My fears were once again confirmed. I had already passed the baby. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I for sure would have known when that happened. I guess it happened in the middle of the night when it was dark…I was in complete shock.
I just couldn’t get over the fact that this was my second miscarriage in about 7 months. Thank goodness I have the best family and friends who were so supportive. But it still feels so alone. I think that’s why I wanted to start this blog, so I have a way to get my feelings out. I feel like miscarriage is something we suffer in silence about. Everyone says, don’t announce the pregnancy just in case something happens! But then its like there isn’t anyone to turn to whenever you are going through it.
I have an appointment on August 11th with my reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous excited for what he has to say. Most of the time, with my medical background I know what to expect. I have had to completely hand this over to God and have faith that His plan is the best one. I am ok with for once not knowing what the RE will plan for me.